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It’s official. I am now old. With gray hair. And a cane. Age has never bothered me. I look forward to being older because I think I get wiser. Until yesterday, I always thought I believed that.
I’m going to be 45 in a few weeks. And most days, I feel 30, maybe 35. Until yesterday.
I’m slightly near-sighted. Since I only wear glasses when I drive, I keep them in the car. Seven-year-old was playing in the car a few days ago and this happened. No one knows how.
So I needed a new pair but needed an eye exam first.
This is the appointment:
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DR: Did you know that your eyes bulge out?
ME: (Why is he telling me this?) Um…no.
DR: Has anyone ever told you that you have protruding eyes?
ME: (Again…why are you telling me this? Wait…painful childhood memories of being called “Bug Eyes” flash back). Well, maybe.
Doctor brings out a ruler.
DR: Stare ahead please. (Measures how my eyes stick out of my head like Homer Simpson.)
DR: Well, it’s nothing to worry about, but I just thought you should know. (Well, it’s nothing to worry about, I just thought you’d want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life. Thanks, Doc!)
A few minutes later.
DR: I think you need bifocals.
ME: (WHAT!?) Well, I never wear glasses for reading or computer work. I see better without them.
DR: That’s because you need bifocals. Here’s a prescription. And I would see a doctor and have a yearly checkup…for diabetes, cholesterol, etc. At your age, that’s a good idea.
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Wow, thanks for that encouragement. I really appreciate that WALMART-EYE-GUY.
I won’t go into how I picked out some modern looking glasses but was told that my granny-bifocal prescription wouldn’t work with that frame. So I was escorted to the Elton John eyewear section to pick out a frame large enough for my Hubble telescope lenses.
And that’s how you age 25 years in 10 minutes.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
I’m wiping the tears off my cheeks from laughing so hard!!!
How old was the Walmart eye guy? 25? With questions like that, you can be sure he doesn’t have a wife.
I can imagine his obituary saying- Shot by his pregnant wife. In her last trimester, he asked her…
“Did you know your ankles are bloated? and your behind is as wide as your belly sticks out?”
!POW!
April 17th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Probably 50. By the time I left, though, he was younger than me.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:50 am
OMG! I would’ve slapped him :-p My mom refused to wear bifocals until she found a kind that don’t look like bifocals. Have you seen those? I really don’t know how they are called but they look like regular glasses. I hate my glasses
April 18th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Okay, this is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time……It sounds like we frequent the same type of medical facilities.;)
I think they see me coming sometimes, and quickly grab their manual called, “1,000 Creative Ways To Humiliate Your Patients.”
I am enjoying this blog.
By the way, your daughter’s first decorated cake is adorable…..I need to do that for my son.
God Bless,
Amy:)
April 18th, 2008 at 7:10 am
Mine won’t look like bifocals. That is my only vanity, I guess. The lenses and the frames needed for them will only cost us $450(!). Add that to the $250 I paid for my Eleven-Year-Old’s new glasses this week and we’ve only paid $700 toward the optometrist’s retirement home. There goes our vacation. No…we don’t have vision insurance. Ah, good times. Good times.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Thanks, Amy! Isn’t it funny how we pay to be humiliated like that?
April 18th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
First, thank you for visiting my blog. Second, you are hysterical.
Third..I am right there with you…except I am 48…and I have never worn glasses ..but I have to get my new drivers license on monday and I don;t think they are going to let me read the eye thingie with the magnifying glass. :/
April 18th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
so..I typed in the wrong web address. Your fault. I was laughing.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Oh, yeah, you were laughing. (smirk) I use that “excuse” too now that I’m too ancient to see anything 3 inches from my face….and my eyes bulge out. Us old gals must stick together.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
That sucks soooo bad. You seemed to handle it very well. I may have been escorted out of the store!!!
April 21st, 2008 at 9:07 am
Francie-
I feel your pain. I joined that club several years ago. I have to say, though, that my doctor was not so tactless (Thank God) It was shocking enough hearing that “B” word. I, like you, reached for the cute, trendy, hip frames only to get my hand slapped and gently escorted to the granny frames. *sigh* Look at it this way, you could have done what my DH did-he refused to get bifocals and instead opted for 2 different prescription eyeglasses. He is always losing a pair somewhere. How smart is THAT??!!
April 21st, 2008 at 9:35 am
Francie, I’m so glad you finally joined us for MML Mondays! You are such a cutie. We Ohio girls are hawt that way.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Toontz,
What a great idea! I wish I’d thought of that. I had to pay just under $500 for these frames and special lenses!!!!! I could have gotten two pairs of glasses for less than that.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:43 pm
OMG
No. He. Din’t. Just. Say. That
This is hilarious, seriously. A ruler?!
Love it.
April 21st, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Yes. He wanted to measure how big of a jerk he was.
April 21st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
he MEASURED your EYES with a RULER??? Are you serious??? How ridiculous can you possibly be???
Thanks for the giggle . . . enjoy your new Elton John Eyewear.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Tfs. I’m not very vain but I hate wearing my glasses because it makes my nose look bigger. Lol. The eye exam sounds amazingly familar to the one my foster daughter received a few weeks ago… ruler and all. Thanks for the laugh.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Did they say why? Did her eyes BULGE?
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:00 am
Lol - that is so funny! What an idiot!!
And I think if he is using a ruler to measure anything in an eye examination I wouldn’t trust his opinion on whether you need glasses!
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:20 am
Kittie, apparently, the only way to measure my cartoon-like bulging eyes is with a ruler. I should be glad he didn’t use a yardstick.
April 26th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
You came out of hiding! I’m so excited!
Don’t you love the “at your age” comments. Every doctor I’ve seen in the past 2 years has added that at some time during the visits. When did they all get so young?
Love your blog! Great job.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Update on the glasses: Wal-Mart has been sliding lately. My daughter’s glasses are a week late coming in. My glasses came in and went right back before I saw them because they weren’t right. I cancelled my $400 order and bought mine online for $30. They look the same and they’re great. Go figure.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Update on the glasses: Wal-Mart has been sliding lately. My daughter’s glasses are a week late coming in. My glasses came in and went right back before I saw them because they weren’t right. I canceled my $400 order and bought mine online for $30. They look the same and they’re great. Go figure.
August 19th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
pish tosh whippersnapper. You still a youngster.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Oh, my goodness I’m sure you’ve heard this before but that was hilarious and you are too funny! I clicked over from an interview that you did (also hilarious), since laughing hysterically and having my husband check on me again I’ve forgotten which one.
Thanks I really enjoyed your post. I can’t wait to read some more!
~ingrid
September 21st, 2008 at 3:11 pm
off topic slightly — buldging eyes are a sign of thyroid disease; go to your doctor and get a simple blood test to make sure you’re not having problems.