After hopelessly spending 3 months and countless hours trying to fix a broken RSS feed, I’ve reluctantly decided to hang up my chef’s hat and put aside my snarky pen.

Thanks for all the great comments and feedback, chickens!

        

Alice was #35 and our winner in the Pepperidge Farm Visa $100 Gift Card giveaway.

        

I’ve been having the worst kind of trouble with my blog feed lately.  Is anyone out there getting my feed?  If so, would you be so kind as to post a comment so I know.

Thanks!!

        

Behind on my posts lately as I’ve been a bit busy chasing this new little addition around the house.

Who knew so much trouble could come in such a little package?

        

When I was growing up, my Appalachian dad called this thing a muskmelon. So when I grew up and someone asked me if I liked cantaloupe, I said, “Never had it.” Of course, when I saw it, I thought, “Oh, we hillbillies just call it muskmelon.” Well, guess what? We hillbillies were right. But honestly, as strange a name as cantaloupe is (they’re a rare type of leaping animal, right?), muskmelon doesn’t sound much better. The only time I want to hear musk anywhere near my food is when it’s my waiter’s cologne.

Cucumber Cantaloupe Salad

1 cantaloupe
1 regular or English cucumber
1 lime
1 tablespoon sugar or sugar substitute
1 handful of fresh cilantro

Pretty easy measurements, no?  Anyway, peel, seed and chop the cantaloupe.  Do the same with the cucumber.  If you bought an English cucumber (the kind that comes wrapped in plastic), you don’t need to seed it.

Squeeze the lime juice over the salad.  Sprinkle the sugar over.  Toss.  If you like cilantro (which I do!), add in a handful of fresh, chopped cilantro.

        

The candy bowl has only been empty for one hour and I’m already feeling too cranky to participate next year.   We’ve never been big on all the gore and dark elements of Halloween, but I will admit loving the little ones going door to door in their 100% adorableness.   But it’s official….I’m now an old geezer because I found myself muttering, “Parents these days!” the entire night.  Those costumes!  When I was a kid, most costumes involved mom’s hair curlers and Dad’s shoe polish.   On a really special year, we’d get a plastic mask that wouldn’t allow you to see or breathe and was held on to your sweaty face by a thin elastic string that always broke and whipped straight into your eyeball, you young whippersnappers! And we LIKED it! Excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable like old geezer rant mode.

Yes, this is an ACTUAL child costume available
in sizes starting at Ages 6-8!

1)  Britney Spears, Bratz and Sexy School Girl costumes

Call me crazy but I don’t think little girls should dress like Playboy bunnies.  Apparently, many parents (and any pedophiles who may be wandering the neighborhood) disagree with me.  Maybe next year, I’ll just hand out safety pins and the missing pieces of fabric.

2) Adults who use an infant to trick or treat

To the adult who held their month old baby up to me, said “Trick or Treat” and then asked if I had any Reese’s Cups and proceeded to take a handful, I’m sure you know that you would get decked if people weren’t afraid you would drop your candy mooching machine…er, I mean, baby.

3) Adults who pull in front of our house, drop off a van load full of little kids and then drive off

Talk about scaring me on Halloween.  I’ll not even go into the safety issue here.  Dear parents, I hate to interrupt your private time, but our street wide babysitting service is officially closed.

4) Adults who instruct their child to grab more candy when I’ve just said, “One piece, please.”

We all know who the extra candy is for.  Especially when you get specific about which flavors to grab.  Forgive my sarcastic “You’re welcome” as you stomp on our flowers as y’all leave.

5) Adults who escort their toddlers while wearing gory, horrific costumes.

Ooooh, Mr. Big Man.  Since you were laughing,  you obviously think it’s hilarious to scar little kids for life as they scream and cry in terror, but it’s only fun for you, you smoldering pile of virility.  Please find some way to prove your manhood other than traumatizing toddlers.

6) And lastly, to the elderly cashier at Wal-Mart who angrily complained to me that she #%@!%# had to work on Halloween.

And good morning to you too!  A)  I’m not sure what pretend world you live in where employees get the day off on Halloween, but I want to live there.  B) The local anger management center is always open on Halloween.  You should give them a call.   C) As someone who very much reminded me of my 80 year old grandmother, you might have picked a more decorous costume than Leather Rocker Chick with Chaps. I don’t know when I will get that image burned out of my brain.

Do I sound bitter?  Do I sound angry?  Do I sound like an old crotchety woman complaining and rambling about everything that crosses my mind?  Actually, yes, I do.  That is all.

        

Ok, I admit I’m old and frantic.   But I really don’t remember parents running around like maniacs when I was a kid.  I work from home during the day, but my real job starts at 3:00 pm when the bus pulls up.  Let’s take an honest, unexaggerated look at yesterday, shall we?

• Go to pick up 3rd grader for piano lessons at school. Ask teacher if she knows where my daughter is.  Teacher says daughter must have forgotten about piano and got on the bus to go home.  Ask teacher if she got my note about picking up child.  Teacher explains that she isn’t responsible for daughter’s after school activities.  Mutter and walk back to car as I rush home before bus drops off 3rd grader.
• Call piano teacher to tell her Daughter #2 will not be at lesson.  Piano teacher asks where Daughter #1 is who should have arrived there 45 minutes ago. (!!!!) Rush home and find Daughter #1 at home playing Nintendo because she “forgot” to walk to her lesson too.
• Sigh with relief, hug kids and then lose my temper while I lecture them for 15 minutes on importance of remembering piano lessons are always on Wednesdays.
• Dump contents of overstuffed backpacks and sort through school papers each child brings home.
• Write checks for school pictures ($30 each child), PTA fees ($30 each child), $6 field trip fee and $30 School Fee (What’s THAT for anyway?)
• Start dinner.
• Husband arrives home, sits in recliner and picks up TV remote until dinner.
• Stop 28 times to assist and review 5 math sheets, 2 spelling worksheets, 1 essay, a story using 10 adverbs ending in “ly” and a book report totaling 50 minutes of homework.
• Call hubby to dinner. During dinner, review graded schoolwork with children.
• Children announce that they must wear orange for School Spirit Day which just happens to be tomorrow.  I swear, if we ever move, it will be to a school district that has DENIM as a school color.
• Review note from 3rd grade teacher that some school supplies are missing and due tomorrow.
• Husband returns to recliner and picks up remote.
• Clear table and pile dishes into sink.
• Run out to store to buy two orange t-shirts for School Spirit Day tomorrow.
• Stop at office supply store and buy 1 plain green plastic folder, 3 plain red folders, 2 blue pens, 1 red pen, 1 Post-It note cube, 100 4×6 ruled cards and 3 PLAIN stretchy book covers (Whatever happened to covers made from brown paper bags?)
• Get cashier to give me 10 dimes, 2 quarters, 5 nickels and 10 pennies for 3rd grader’s math homework.
• Run to drugstore and buy “MUST HAVE BY TOMORROW!” hand sanitizer, Kleenex, Ziploc bags, plain white socks, Saran Wrap and disinfectant cleaner. I’m waiting for the day when I’m required to bring in bubble bath for the teacher to relax after work.
• Attend “Meet the Teacher” night and get more forms and listen to requests for donations/volunteers by PTA, music teacher, school secretary, librarian, gym teacher and home room coordinator.
• Guiltily sign up for Halloween party, Teacher Appreciation Dinner, Library Storytime and Cultural Arts Day.
• Return home and sign 12 forms, 3 teacher notes and 2 planners.
• Pack forms, supplies and planners into each child’s backpack.
• Ask if child has books to return to school library.
• Spend 10 minutes looking for library books.
• Remind kids that their homework belongs in their backpacks, not on living room floor.
• Tell kids to get ready for bed.
• Pack lunches
• Tell kids to get ready for bed again.
• Third grader tells me that she has no clean socks.  Throw in load of laundry.
• Tell kids to get IN BED NOW!
• Drop onto sofa.  Husband puts down remote and grins.  Give husband evil eye.  Husband picks up remote again.
• Get youngest a drink of water.
• Tell kids to GO TO SLEEP NOW OR I WILL COME IN THERE AND YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE MY UNHAPPY MOMMY FACE AND I MEAN IT!
• Collapse into bed and pull covers over my head.  Dream of summer vacation.

Here’s my question of the day:  Is it JUST ME!?  Do you feel like your child’s school is a second job?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

        

So I became a mom, right? And I bake and bake and bake…this one hates coconut, this one only likes vanilla, this one hates nuts. But when does Mama get a cake of her own, I’d like to know!? This is the first year I’ve baked MYSELF a cake. I think I broke some unwritten Mama law in that I made a cake that ISN’T anyone else’s favorite. It’s mine. And you see all that frosting, 800 calories per spoonful and worth every stinkin’ bit of it! It’s only once a year.

“It’s My Birthday” German Chocolate Cake

4 oz. bar of sweet dark chocolate (try not to eat this raw…you’ll need it)
2 c. plus 2 Tbsp. cake flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 c. butter, softened
2 c. sugar
4 eggs, separated
1 c. buttermilk
1 tsp. vanilla

FROSTING (THE GOOD STUFF)
12 oz. can evaporated (NOT sweetened condensed) milk
1 1/2 c. sugar
3/4 c. butter
4 egg yolks, slightly beaten
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
7 oz. package of sweetened shredded coconut
1 1/2 c. chopped pecans

Grease 2 (9″) round cake pans and line with parchment paper. Melt the chocolate in a double boiler (I use a glass bowl over a pan of simmering water.) Stir until melted. Sift flour, baking soda and salt.

Beat butter and sugar on medium speed until light and fluffy (you know, like Snuggles, the fabric softener bear). Add the egg yolks, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Slowly mix in the melted chocolate and vanilla. Add the flour mixture alternately with the buttermilk, beating well after each addition.

Beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form. Fold the egg whites into the batter.

Bake at 350° Farenheit for 30-35 minutes. Cool 15 minutes and remove from pans.

THE BEST PART:

Place evaporated milk, sugar, butter, egg yolks and vanilla in a medium saucepan. Stirring constantly, cook on medium heat for 10-12 minutes until it turns golden brown and thickens slightly. Take off heat and add coconut and pecans. Let cool until it’s a frosting consistency, about 15 minutes. Slather it on the cake or just sit down with the bowl. It’s YOUR birthday, right?

        

You should already know because of the title but:

You’ve seen this in your produce section, right? I keep mine in the freezer and grate it as needed.

So these cookies require two kinds of ginger.

(For those of you born after 1980, that’s Tina Louise.)

CANDIED GINGER COOKIES

3/4 c. butter, softened
1 c. white sugar
1/4 c. molasses
1/3 c. water
2 1/2 c. all-purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. freshly grated ginger
1/2 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp. salt
1 c. minced crystallized ginger.
Turbinado sugar (for rolling)

Preheat oven to 350 Farenheit. In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add molasses and mix well. Stir in water.

In separate bowl, combine, flour, salt, spices and baking soda.

Add gradually to the wet ingredients. Mix until well combined.

Roll into 1″ balls and coat well with Turbinado sugar (regular sugar’s fine…just not as pretty.)

Cook on ungreased sheet at 350 for 10-12 minutes. Tops will be cracked.

        

Took some photos while shopping.

Next, I’m going to show you what I cooked with the stuff I bought here.